HiKris

38

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 19:10:51 -0500

Tomorrow will be my 38^th birthday. I am not really excited, I’m sad and alone. This is my first birthday in Louisiana. I have no family here. I normally spend my birthday weekend with my cousin, it’s the best time ever. My boyfriend left for Chicago to go work, but he forgot my birthday so I guess it doesn’t matter he isn’t here. My parents normally forget my birthday. I already have bets made on if they actually remember. You would think it would be easy to remember your child’s birthday, especially since it is on St. Patrick’s Day, but you would be wrong. This is the first time in 38 years I won’t have a birthday cake. I feel like I am being a baby over this, but I love birthdays, mine included. I always go above and beyond for birthdays and I am really sad I will be alone. My birthday will pass like just another day that doesn’t matter to anyone. I hate I don’t matter to anyone. Everyone forgets me or gets over me so easy. I hate that. I want to be wonderful, but I’m not.

I’m so hurt my boyfriend didn’t even think enough of me to get me a card, nothing. How is it possible that I mean so little to so many? I love with all I have, if I love you I really love you. I don’t give out my love or trust easily. I feel like if I can give you everything I have it shouldn’t be so hard for you to give me something in return.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I am not where I thought I should be in life.

I’m old, out of shape, and unattractive.

I miss my aunt Pauline.

I miss my Granny Liz.

I miss my daughter the most.

I’m now going to take a hot bath and go to bed.

Does he check your Tumblr? Have you told him how you feel? Damn, relationships can truly suck...

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 22:23:58 -0600

He has no idea what tumblr is or who to use it. Relationships are hard, but I know he’s the one for me, I just now it. I just take it day by day, he is my world. I love him

Life As I Know It: One Year Later

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 22:21:08 -0600

Life As I Know It: One Year Later:

kenniesalvatore:

It was a year today that you decided to leave this life and I wish you hadn’t. I miss you so much but I do realize you’re in a better place. Because of what you did I have changed a lot. I am studying to become a psychiatrist so I can help people with depression or other mental illnesses. If only…

Photo

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 12:38:13 -0600

Why do I do the things I do?

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 10:36:41 -0600

I have hurt someone that means the world to me. I don’t know why I act the way I do sometimes. I let things bother me that never should. I am so happy with my life. I am finishing my degree this year (if I can get out of algebra) I have an amazing boyfriend who has stood by me when no one else would. I have amazing kids, a nice house and car. I couldn’t ask for anything more, and I don’t want anything more (well maybe a great job after I graduate)

I moved away from Tennessee to start over, get away from my past because there’s so much hurt there. Somehow I keep dredging the past up and it’s going to kill my future if I don’t stop. I am so happy, happier than I can ever remember. Do you know what it’s like to be in love with your best friend? I can be myself 100% of the time with this man, something I’ve never been able to do with anyone before. He loves me with or without make-up, dressed up or dressed down, sober, drunk, smart, stupid, hairy legs, drool on my pillow, morning breath, you get the point. I love him the same way. We laugh together, cry together, bitch together and love together. He is my everything and I am going to run him away because I am insane. I could never forgive myself if I screwed this up. I would become even more of a crazy cat lady than I am now. I can honestly say he is the first man I’ve never cheated on. I don’t even look at other men, he honestly completes me.

I have so many insecurities that I keep pushing him away. I am shutting myself out of our life together due to my own issues, that shouldn’t even be issues.

I mean why am I still crazy?

How do I make him believe that he is all I need or want?

For you

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 09:57:24 -0600

I love you.

I miss you.

I’ve never loved like I love you.

You make me want to be a better person, every day.

Your smile can make the saddest day bright.

You’re all I ever need, and I do need you.

I would never hurt you, intentionally.

I want to grow old with you.

I’m sorry.

So what, who cares.

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 12:53:44 -0600

Two weeks ago today my sweet Granny Liz passed away and went to glory. I would do anything to have the chance to talk to her once more. It has been a very hard time for my family. We all loved her so much. She suffered with cancer for so long that it is selfish of me to want her back. My dad called today to complain about my brother being worthless, and he is. However, it turned into how I screwed up my last relationship so bad he doesn’t know how I live with myself. That’s always nice to hear.

It’s the holidays and I feel alone. I have a great boyfriend and extraordinary kids, but something is missing. My kids are the best. I don’t have the money to give them an amazing Christmas, so it will be January before they get most of their gifts, but they don’t care. They are great.

I am so sick of not being able to get ahead in life. I want to finish school and get a decent job. I am so sick of scraping by and being dependent on others. I never ask for help, but people know I need it and always offer or do for me. I hate that. I am too old to need help. I once had it all and due to my poor choices I lost it all. Nothing is worse than knowing your life has turned into the mess it is due to your own poor choices.

Two of my favorite people.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 16:28:02 -0500

Two of my favorite people.

I do love this man.

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 16:24:49 -0500

I do love this man.

Whatever Wednesday

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 16:23:07 -0500

Whatever Wednesday

Granny Liz

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 15:29:01 -0500

My Granny Liz is one of the most amazing women you will ever meet. She is funny, grouchy, loving and all around an amazing woman. She makes the best grilled cheese you have ever tasted. I cannot recall a single time I needed her and she wasn’t there for me. I have so many amazing memories with her I cannot begin to count them. She was moved into Hospice care last night and a part of me has died. I don’t know how life will ever be the same without her. I feel so selfish for not wanting her to go.

I love you Granny Liz

This is my Wonderful boyfriends son. When I say I love him as if...

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 22:50:33 -0500

This is my Wonderful boyfriends son. When I say I love him as if he was mine, I mean it. This little boy makes everyday so much brighter for anyone that knows him. He has had brain surgery and overcome more in his 5 years than most of us will in our entire lives. This is the bravest little boy I know and he has no idea how brave he is. I just wanted everyone to know what an amazing little boy I am lucky enough to have in my life.

Just in case anyone doubted how insane my mother is and why I...

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 19:56:14 -0500

Just in case anyone doubted how insane my mother is and why I have a drinking problem. I present Exhibit A: an actual text from my mother.

Just Love Me!

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 20:40:56 -0500

Just Love Me!

And again,

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 13:02:21 -0500

I want to write a book. It is something that has been weighing on my mind for about 3 years now. I don’t know where to begin and really who would want to read it. It would be a memoir of my fucked up childhood and stupid mistakes I made as an adult. I had such a terrible childhood and it led to so many bad choices in my life, I think? Am I too old to still blame my childhood for how fucked up I am?

I still have no relationship with my parents. I never think of them and rarely talk to them. I don’t have the nerve to tell them how bitter I still am and just how much they fucked me up. I hear them talk, but I don’t listen. I have no connection with them. I am jealous of people that have a real relationship with their parents. I was never daddy’s little girl or momma’s pride and joy. I have an older brother I haven’t spoken to in almost three years. I have a little sister I speak to very rarely. They both get along with my parents and seem to think I am the outcast. They can’t see the damage they have done.

My mother is to blame for most of my insecurities. I still don’t think I can please her. She is responsible for the terrible relationship I have with my daughter. I am so afraid my daughter will one day feel as indifferent about me as I do about my mother, and as my mother feels about her mother. It is a vicious cycle, but how do I break it.

My Manic Monday

Mon, 08 Oct 2012 12:23:12 -0500

I hate getting older. I feel so old and washed up, like my life is over. I weigh more now than I have ever in my life, including when I was pregnant. I am not “fat”, but I am curvy. I don’t like it.

I feel ugly. I was always told how beautiful I was when I was younger, I miss that. I can count 100’s of things I hate about me and there’s nothing I can do. I won’t be able to grow old gracefully.

I am still so bitter at my parents for what a terrible job they did raising me. I have nightmares still.

One of my biggest fears is he will realize I am not as great as he thinks and will stop loving me. Everyone stops loving me. I hate that I am so forgettable. I just want to be special to someone for once.

I am in a better place now than I was this time last year, so this time next year things will have to be better, right?

My sleepy heads

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 11:18:13 -0500

My sleepy heads

Not today

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 10:56:20 -0500

I have been in Louisiana for a month now. Leaving Tennessee was easier than I thought, but adjusting to life here is harder than I ever imagined. I have no friends, no one to stop by and say hi. My day starts at 5:45 each morning and it’s a struggle every day to find the strength to continue.

I am alone all day, my friends are at work so no one to text or call. My classes are all online so no interaction with other classmates. I am so far in the country it’s a ridiculous drive to anywhere and once I get there I have no one to see. The highlight of my day is going to the mailbox. I do occasionally make a trip around the yard to disturb the massive ant hills (these things are unreal).

I normally have the house clean and laundry finished by noon. That leaves all afternoon to pace and think. When 14 makes it home from school he has no time for me. He just wants to zone out in front of the television and eat. So I begin dinner so when Will gets home his dinner will be ready.

Will gets home at 6:00 each night. He comes in showers, eats and in bed by 8:00. No one even notices I am here unless they need something washed, cooked or fixed. No one ever ask how my day is or can they do anything for me. Most nights they go to bed and forget to even tell me goodnight.

I know there are so many people that have it so much worse than I do and my complaining is selfish. I have a nice home, drive a nice car, my kids are amazing people that will make a difference in the world (I know it) and my boyfriend loves me like no one ever has. I guess I just don’t understand why I feel so alone when I have so much. I just want to matter.

Not moving from this spot today.

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 07:29:47 -0500

Not moving from this spot today.

So proud of my baby girl. She is a freshman in college. Where...

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 07:58:57 -0500

So proud of my baby girl. She is a freshman in college. Where did time go.