Pretty sure you've always wanted to see me naked.. Well.. I'm feeling pretty adventurous today so go to datelink6[dot]com (switch [dot] with .) then sign up and find my profile under the username 'lolsummer69'. I hid my face in the pictures. but I want you to guess who I am and then hit me up on Facebook lol. Good luck.
I went to my psychiatrist yesterday and he prescribed me not one, but two antidepressants. One is Prozac and the other is Trazodone. I go back in three weeks to increase my dosage of Prozac. The Trazodone is to help me sleep as well as boost the effects of the Prozac. Here are the questions I have:
1) How fucked up are you that you need two antidepressants?
2) How fucked up are you when the doctor already knows he is going to need to increase your dosage?
3) How fucked up are you that you require a booster for Prozac?
Prozac is the strongest antidepressant on the market, according to my psychiatrist. I have taken every other one imaginable so we will see how this one works. I am really trying to stay positive about this situation; but I do not want to be dependent on pills the rest of my life to function. My past experiences with antidepressants were unsuccessful so I have a tainted view on “happy pills”. On the upside, one side effect of Prozac is loss of appetite and weight loss. I’m certain if I were skinnier I would be happy.
I’m boring myself with this rambling episode of “How Fucked-Up is HIKris”. I’m certain I will keep you updated on my psychosis.
I am trying to talk myself into having better days, you know positive thinking crap. My sleep schedule is completely screwed up. I stay up until 5:00 or 6:00 then sleep until 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon. If anyone has some suggestions on how to get back on schedule, please tell me. I have also ruined 12’s sleep schedule as well. He is staying up with me. When I wake up I am so disappointed I have slept my day away I end up doing nothing for the rest of the day, what’s the sense.
I have also come to the painful reality that I am much too blunt when it comes to my opinion. I say very hurtful and cruel things and I don’t care how it makes the other person feel. I actually look for things to tear people down. I really struggle with apathy. I know we all joke about not caring about others, but I truly do not. I am very indifferent to most people in my life, with the exception of my children. I don’t speak to my parents and could not care less if I ever do. I am very indifferent to them. I don’t love or hate them, I nothing them. This is also how I feel about my brother and sister. I haven’t spoken to them in over a year. I don’t miss any of them honestly.
I no longer believe in anything. I want so much out of life, but I no longer have the desire to try. I feel like this is it. I am back in school, at my age. It just feels like I am never going to graduate. I also feel like a dumb ass for going back to school at my age. I feel like my life is more than halfway over. By the time I graduate I will have to work the rest of my life to pay off all these student loans. I am just going to end my useless complaining now; I am getting on my own nerves.
I attempted to let you in and in a short time I’ve come to realize you are no different than the many others. You slowly worked on my trust; trying to peel back the layers and find the real me. The things you said and the way you carried yourself. I believed in you at first. I never let my guard down completely, I knew better. You are quick to rush to judgment and think only of yourself. I am more disappointed in myself for trusting you with the little pieces of me I thought you could handle. I never lied to you, if anything I was too honest with you. I no longer see you the same as I once did. You changed it all with your judgmental “whatever”. I wish nothing but the best for you; but I need to step away.
17’s play opened this weekend. She has a part in the local community theatre’s production of “Tom Sawyer”. I didn’t get to go see her because my mother was going to be there. I found out today she didn’t go this weekend she is now attending next weekend. I am certain she did this for several reasons:
1) She wanted me to miss opening night.
2) She hopes to keep me away next weekend so it looks as if I don’t care for my daughter.
My mother is such a manipulating person. For the life of me I will never know why she has such disdain for me. I have not had any contact with her since November 2010, but she still hurts me as often as possible through my daughter. I have not seen my daughter since November as well. We speak on occasion and text some. She won’t do anything she feels will upset my mother, even if it means cutting me out of her life.
I know things will not always be this way, and it is that hope that makes each day bearable.
I know you guys well enough that some mocking will come from this, but I am finally prepared to take it. However, remember I have no self-esteem so take it easy. I have tried several times to post my “Tumblr Crushes” and can’t. Also, I am not sure why my tweets post several times to Tumblr. I am sure this is a simple fix, but evidently I am an idiot and can’t figure out how to fix this. No one I know in real life even has a clue what Tumblr is, so I must rely on you guys to help me. If someone could help me out I would greatly appreciate it.