16 3 / 2013

Tomorrow will be my 38th birthday. I am not really excited, I’m sad and alone. This is my first birthday in Louisiana. I have no family here. I normally spend my birthday weekend with my cousin, it’s the best time ever. My boyfriend left for Chicago to go work, but he forgot my birthday so I guess it doesn’t matter he isn’t here. My parents normally forget my birthday. I already have bets made on if they actually remember. You would think it would be easy to remember your child’s birthday, especially since it is on St. Patrick’s Day, but you would be wrong. This is the first time in 38 years I won’t have a birthday cake. I feel like I am being a baby over this, but I love birthdays, mine included. I always go above and beyond for birthdays and I am really sad I will be alone. My birthday will pass like just another day that doesn’t matter to anyone. I hate I don’t matter to anyone. Everyone forgets me or gets over me so easy. I hate that. I want to be wonderful, but I’m not.

I’m so hurt my boyfriend didn’t even think enough of me to get me a card, nothing. How is it possible that I mean so little to so many? I love with all I have, if I love you I really love you. I don’t give out my love or trust easily. I feel like if I can give you everything I have it shouldn’t be so hard for you to give me something in return.

I’m so unhappy with my life. I am not where I thought I should be in life.

I’m old, out of shape, and unattractive.

I miss my aunt Pauline.

I miss my Granny Liz.

I miss my daughter the most.

I’m now going to take a hot bath and go to bed.

 

20 2 / 2013

hermanmunster85 asked: Does he check your Tumblr? Have you told him how you feel? Damn, relationships can truly suck...

He has no idea what tumblr is or who to use it. Relationships are hard, but I know he’s the one for me, I just now it. I just take it day by day, he is my world. I love him

20 2 / 2013

kenniesalvatore:

It was a year today that you decided to leave this life and I wish you hadn’t. I miss you so much but I do realize you’re in a better place. Because of what you did I have changed a lot. I am studying to become a psychiatrist so I can help people with depression or other mental illnesses. If only…

12 2 / 2013

12 2 / 2013

I have hurt someone that means the world to me. I don’t know why I act the way I do sometimes. I let things bother me that never should. I am so happy with my life. I am finishing my degree this year (if I can get out of algebra) I have an amazing boyfriend who has stood by me when no one else would. I have amazing kids, a nice house and car. I couldn’t ask for anything more, and I don’t want anything more (well maybe a great job after I graduate)

I moved away from Tennessee to start over, get away from my past because there’s so much hurt there. Somehow I keep dredging the past up and it’s going to kill my future if I don’t stop. I am so happy, happier than I can ever remember. Do you know what it’s like to be in love with your best friend? I can be myself 100% of the time with this man, something I’ve never been able to do with anyone before. He loves me with or without make-up, dressed up or dressed down, sober, drunk, smart, stupid, hairy legs, drool on my pillow, morning breath, you get the point. I love him the same way. We laugh together, cry together, bitch together and love together. He is my everything and I am going to run him away because I am insane. I could never forgive myself if I screwed this up. I would become even more of a crazy cat lady than I am now. I can honestly say he is the first man I’ve never cheated on. I don’t even look at other men, he honestly completes me.

I have so many insecurities that I keep pushing him away. I am shutting myself out of our life together due to my own issues, that shouldn’t even be issues.

 I mean why am I still crazy?

How do I make him believe that he is all I need or want?

12 2 / 2013

I love you.

I miss you.

I’ve never loved like I love you.

You make me want to be a better person, every day.

Your smile can make the saddest day bright.

You’re all I ever need, and I do need you.

I would never hurt you, intentionally.

I want to grow old with you.

I’m sorry.

30 11 / 2012

Two weeks ago today my sweet Granny Liz passed away and went to glory. I would do anything to have the chance to talk to her once more. It has been a very hard time for my family. We all loved her so much. She suffered with cancer for so long that it is selfish of me to want her back. My dad called today to complain about my brother being worthless, and he is. However, it turned into how I screwed up my last relationship so bad he doesn’t know how I live with myself. That’s always nice to hear.

It’s the holidays and I feel alone. I have a great boyfriend and extraordinary kids, but something is missing. My kids are the best. I don’t have the money to give them an amazing Christmas, so it will be January before they get most of their gifts, but they don’t care. They are great.

I am so sick of not being able to get ahead in life. I want to finish school and get a decent job. I am so sick of scraping by and being dependent on others. I never ask for help, but people know I need it and always offer or do for me. I hate that. I am too old to need help. I once had it all and due to my poor choices I lost it all. Nothing is worse than knowing your life has turned into the mess it is due to your own poor choices. 

31 10 / 2012

Two of my favorite people.

Two of my favorite people.

31 10 / 2012

I do love this man.

I do love this man.

31 10 / 2012

Whatever Wednesday

Whatever Wednesday